Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

It's our engagement party in two weeks time.

Must write speech. Include wit; humorous / embarrassing anecdotes; feelings from the heart. Remember to thank the hosts. Audience tears desirable. Get a haircut. Don't drink too much champagne. Circulate. Introduce people. Take photographs. Do not dance. Encourage some guests to loosen up by filling their glasses. Discourage others from drinking too much. Work out how to achieve this. If unsuccessful hope they are from the other side of the family. Have a night not to forget.